I used to think as long as I was making art, all was well inside. But as last year went on, I had this unsettling feeling I didn't know who I was anymore (outside of the blue hair and "cute art").

Even worse, I could feel money dominate how I valued creativity.

It's been a clarifying half-year of learning to sit with the dark, of feeling not knowing. Seeing my family close-up in it's complexity, asking what friendship is in grief and helplessness. Asking what it is I value. Melting shame into compassion. not! forcing!

I learned darkness isn't so bad.

At first it was terrifying to not "see" anymore – walks that used to inspire me left me feeling flat. The songs i used to dance to now… sounded grating.

I'm learning it's all part of individuating

I'll never be done knowing myself and it's more fun that way :)

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Sometimes I mistake spirituality and visual art as solitary pursuits, that "protecting my time" would bring my spark back. When really it was unplanned time out in the world – creating the collage for D's bday card, sitting at sangha with M, dancing fear into joy with K, screaming into the ocean with E and S.

love you all <3

Creativity comes from the world and people around us, and as part of that flow I see I must give forward to complete the cycle.

ebb and flow